Tougher Immigration Laws for Farmville workers

                       

In a bid to crack down upon illegal workers in ‘Farmville’, the United States is planning to implement tougher immigration laws. For the uninitiated, Farmville is a farming social network game available on the social-networking website Facebook and allows members to manage a virtual farm by ploughing land, planting, growing and harvesting virtual crops, harvesting trees and bushes, and by raising livestock. As the game gained popularity and farm sizes increased from a few hundred yards to a few thousand hectares, there has been a dramatic rise in the number of workers hired by farm owners.  

According to Dick Chenoy, a member of the US Congress and a strong advocate of tougher immigration laws, most of the workers happen to be Indians who have migrated to the US illegally via Mexico. Though some are also reported to be students unable get a job despite spending a fortune in order to get a US degree. One such worker, Sujoy Kumar from Andhra Pradesh, a student of the now defunct Death Valley University was recently deported to India.

However the move has come under strong criticism from farm owners and Human Rights Groups. Priya Gulati, a second year commerce student and owner of a large farm is disappointed by the move. “I am an Indian and I do not trust anyone else to plough my fields. Just imagine hiring a Pakistani or someone from Afghanistan. The next thing you will know is that they have laid landmines in the farm and the CIA has issued you a notice. Even the idea is scary.” Priya is not alone. Her sentiments are shared by farm owners from the Middle East. “Indians are the best workers. You can make them work for double the time at half the pay and they don’t even complain. I had another worker from Cairo and the moment protests started in Egypt, he went back to join his countrymen. With Indians I am assured they will not leave my farm, even if their home country is struck by a 100 mile meteor.”, said Sheikh Bin Hilal of Saudi Arabia.

Human Rights Groups have also criticised the crackdown. In particular they are outraged by the US authorities move to radio tag illegal workers. Though the Department of Immigration has justified it saying it helps in monitoring illegal workers, in one of the cases the move backfired. Ranjan Sethi of Punjab was tagged with a movement monitoring anklet after he was arrested from one of the farms. However the authorities tagged him with the same chip that scientists use to monitor the movement of migratory birds. His journey from New Jersey to Amritsar was recorded by scientists at the Washington National Ornithology Centre as a new pattern of bird migration and it ended up spending thousands of dollars in research.

But not everyone is complaining. Priya Sukhija, founder of the Facebook group -‘I will burn your crops and eat your animals if I get another Farmville request’ is optimistic that the move will result in a number of farms shutting down and consequently less number of Farmville requests.  Her group plans to write a letter of support to the US authorities.

Amidst all this, the Indian High Commission has announced free legal aid to workers and will make arrangements for those keen on returning back home.

Savita Bhabhi files for divorce

 

Savita Bhabhi, the famous Indian cartoon porn star has finally decided to end her seven year old marriage with her husband Ashok. Though the couple have not come out with an official statement, Unpublished News has learnt that Bhabhi (as she is better known) was bored of cheating on her husband and wanted to formally end the relationship.

Savita Bhabhi shot to fame after she began sleeping with random men in a bid to satisfy her unquenching sexual desire. At that time, Kirtu.com, her official publishing house justified her actions by blaming her husband’s  work schedule which forced him to stay away for long durations leaving Bhabhi with no choice but to sleep with random men. The idea of cheating apparently no longer thrills Savita which forced her to file for a divorce.

Meanwhile Bhabhi has left ‘kirtu’ and  joined  Imagine TV where she will be taking part in a reality show titled “Bhabhi Ka Swayamwar”. The series which had earlier featured the likes of Rakhi Sawant and Rahul Mahajan will be following a different format this time round. Instead of trying to woo the prospective bride with flowers and dinner dates, participants will get a chance to sleep with the 29 year old Bhabhi. “The contestants will be tested for their sexual prowess. Only those who can assure bed-breaking sex stand a chance to win.”, said an insider at the TV channel. Since the show will have an adult theme it will be telecasted post 11pm. The production team, though, is not concerned. “Most people surf porn post prime-time when their wives have gone to sleep after watching their favourite saas bahu serials. So our target audience will have no problems with the timing. It pleases the moral police as well”, said Shantanu Dahiya, MD Imagine TV.

However, according to the official spokesperson of Kirtu.com, Bhabhi was chucked out by the publishing house.  Speaking to our correspondent, Puneet Agarwal of Kirtu.com said “Savita has slept with every possible man - from her male servant to an Abhitabh Bachchan lookalike. There are none left now and the story is not moving forward. It was a tough call for us but we were left with no other choice.” The website plans to replace Bhabhi with a new ‘softcore’ series featuring Bigg Boss contestants Veena Malik and Ashmit Patel.

Whatever be the truth, Savita Bhabhi enjoys a loyal fan following and it remains to be seen if she is as popular on TV as she has been on the internet.

Bajrang Dal plans to pre-pone Raksha Bandhan

Right wing organisation ‘Bajrang Dal’  has announced its plan to start a nation wide campaign to pre-pone Raksha Bandhan, the Hindu festival celebrating the relation between brothers and sisters to February 14 every year.

Talking to our correspondent, the Delhi Unit head of Bajrang Dal, Mr. Prem Singh Dhoomal said, “We have tried everything to persuade the younger generation from celebrating Valentine’s day. As it is we bash up couples on this day and force them to tie rakhi. Why not formally celebrate it as Raksha Bandhan?”. The organisation will start a nationwide campaign from February 10^th with Rakhi Sawant formally kickstarting the event by tying the sacred thread to her erstwhile fiancé Elesh Purujanwala.

While the move has been welcomed by a large section of Indian society, particularly members of the Vishwa Hindu Parishad and Sri Ram Sena, leading card manufactures have criticized the move. “This will directly affect our business interests”, said Amit Singh, CEO Archies Cards. “Who gives gifts to their brothers or sisters? Tagging all of them in a  ‘Happy rakhi’ pic on facebook is how most people celebrate Raksha Bandhan, don’t they?, quizzed Prakash Kumar whose company ‘Hallmark’  plans to conduct a fresh market survey and introduce combo offers like free ‘rakhi’ with every heart shaped balloon.

Meanwhile the younger generation has differing views on the day.  Shaalu, a third year commerce student loves the idea of Valentine’s day and has already started googling mushy lines to sms her boyfriend. “I will go on a romantic dinner with my ‘Jaan’ irrespective of how others celebrate it”, she said. On the other hand Deepu, a first year engineering student hates the idea of Valentine’s day. “It is so depressing man. FOSLAs like us are forced to remain indoors. I don’t mind others celebrating it as long as they show some nice movie on television that day. I am sick of watching ‘Indra, the tiger’!”, he complained. While Jassie Jazz, a local DJ thought that the idea to pre-pone Raksha Bandhan was a good one. “Now I can safely go on a date with my girl-friend. Everyone will think that she is my sister and we can enjoy quality time together without raising any suspicion.”, he added excitedly.

Arundhati Roy has meanwhile blasted right wing organisations for communalising the day and said that she plans to observe it as a day of solidarity with the Maoists and the Kashmiri Separatists. She even showed some stone shaped cards that she plans to send to the Indian Military.

When contacted, St. Valentine refused to comment.

Mass Jail-Break Plan Unearthed

Delhi Police claims to have unearthed a ‘mass jail-break’ planned across all the jails of NCR on the 9^th of February 2011. 

Speaking over the telephone, Delhi Police Commissioner Brijesh Gupta told our correspondent that the prisoners, most of whom are illiterate and superstitious, had planned mass escape from jails next week. “You see 9/02/11 is pronounced as ‘nau do gyaraah’ in Hindi”, he said. The Police Commissioner further added that one of the inmates, Swami Nithyananda, a self-proclaimed Godman who has also played lead role in several pornographic movies started a rumour that the date was auspicious to break free since ‘nau do gyarah’ literally translates to ‘escape’ in English.

The Police first got suspicious by an unusual rise in the demand for calendars. “There are no calendars inside any of the cells”, said B.P. Dahiya, Superintendent of Tihar Jail. “The well-off inmates usually have a mobile phone and they use the in-built calendar to keep a track of their court appearances. But during the last one week, a lot of financially poor inmates started making demands for calendars inside their cells. Initially we thought that the inmates might be needing calendars to strike out dates till they are first produced before the court. You see as a part of the cultural development programme we have here, we organise a lot of contests. One of them is for the longest duration in jail without facing trial. Last year there was a lot of controversy as the runner up inmate’s count of 9 years did not match with the official record of 8 years and 258 days. Some inmates had demanded calendars then. But this time around anybody who could not afford a mobile phone wanted a calendar for himself”.

Sensing large scale conspiracy, Police picked up several inmates and conducted naro-analysis tests on them. Though the tests proved futile, the Police managed a major breakthrough when one former politician who is also an inmate at Tihar muttered out the plan in a state of intoxication at his birthday party organised at the Jailer’s house. Alarmed, the Police passed immediate orders barring anyone from mentioning the word ‘date’. Following this, Abdul Rahman, a resident of Saudi Arabia who is lodging in jail for alleged gold smuggling was reprimanded and sent to solitary confinement for offering Arabian ‘dates’ to another inmate.

Meanwhile a senior policeman on condition of anonymity said that the Police was now considering replacing narco-analysis and brain mapping tests with booze binges. “Anyone will speak the truth after eight pegs of Royal Stag. Then why waste tax payer’s money over these costly scientific tests”, he added.

*This is a fake news report. Any reference to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.