Mass Jail-Break Plan Unearthed

Delhi Police claims to have unearthed a ‘mass jail-break’ planned across all the jails of NCR on the 9^th of February 2011. 

Speaking over the telephone, Delhi Police Commissioner Brijesh Gupta told our correspondent that the prisoners, most of whom are illiterate and superstitious, had planned mass escape from jails next week. “You see 9/02/11 is pronounced as ‘nau do gyaraah’ in Hindi”, he said. The Police Commissioner further added that one of the inmates, Swami Nithyananda, a self-proclaimed Godman who has also played lead role in several pornographic movies started a rumour that the date was auspicious to break free since ‘nau do gyarah’ literally translates to ‘escape’ in English.

The Police first got suspicious by an unusual rise in the demand for calendars. “There are no calendars inside any of the cells”, said B.P. Dahiya, Superintendent of Tihar Jail. “The well-off inmates usually have a mobile phone and they use the in-built calendar to keep a track of their court appearances. But during the last one week, a lot of financially poor inmates started making demands for calendars inside their cells. Initially we thought that the inmates might be needing calendars to strike out dates till they are first produced before the court. You see as a part of the cultural development programme we have here, we organise a lot of contests. One of them is for the longest duration in jail without facing trial. Last year there was a lot of controversy as the runner up inmate’s count of 9 years did not match with the official record of 8 years and 258 days. Some inmates had demanded calendars then. But this time around anybody who could not afford a mobile phone wanted a calendar for himself”.

Sensing large scale conspiracy, Police picked up several inmates and conducted naro-analysis tests on them. Though the tests proved futile, the Police managed a major breakthrough when one former politician who is also an inmate at Tihar muttered out the plan in a state of intoxication at his birthday party organised at the Jailer’s house. Alarmed, the Police passed immediate orders barring anyone from mentioning the word ‘date’. Following this, Abdul Rahman, a resident of Saudi Arabia who is lodging in jail for alleged gold smuggling was reprimanded and sent to solitary confinement for offering Arabian ‘dates’ to another inmate.

Meanwhile a senior policeman on condition of anonymity said that the Police was now considering replacing narco-analysis and brain mapping tests with booze binges. “Anyone will speak the truth after eight pegs of Royal Stag. Then why waste tax payer’s money over these costly scientific tests”, he added.

*This is a fake news report. Any reference to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.